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Interviews From Across The Stars– Shong

ANNOUNCER: Today Interviews From Across The Stars has as its guest that highly skilled swordsman, Shong. As able with the blade as any, able to face up against dragon and all manner of terrible beasts. All save, perhaps, but one…


Reba Haws (RH): Welcome to our show, Mister Shong. I hear that you are quite the excellent warrior.


Shong: Just call me Shong, and I guess I'm pretty good.


RW: Pretty Good?! Why, according to our research you back-flipped onto the back of a horse, killing its rider in the process.


Shong: Well, that was the only way that I could get to the rest of the Orkai in that battle.


RH: Slashing at them while standing on horseback?


Shong: Well, I did have a sword in each hand. Just seemed the best away to kill the most of them while the horse was charging through their ranks.


RH: You were STANDING on horseback waving TWO swords around, and you don't see anything super-human about that?"


Shong: Well… Really, it's nothing you can't do with a bit of practice.


RH: So, then how long DID you practice standing atop a moving horse waving a pair of swords side to side?


Shong: Well… I mean, actually that was the first time, but you should have seen what my buddy Bronto was doing.


RH: Shong, I think you're underrating your abilities a bit. Just this one incident sounds like the most extraordinary–


Shong: Can we just move onto another question, please?


RH: Very well. Let's see… Ah, it says here that you are quite the lady's man. Can you tell us a little bit about that?


Shong: Huh?


RH: Are you blushing?


Shong: I– I– I


RH: In fact, you have been dating THREE of the King's daughters, from what I hear.


Shong: I'm not– I mean, it's really a big misunderstanding. Have you been talking to Bronto?


RH: As part of the pre-interview process, yes. In fact he gave us some rather detailed notes on the whole affair.


Shong: There is no affair. Can we get back to fighting dragons and stuff?


RH: It says here that they're triplets, teenagers– A bit on the young side but I guess that'll sort itself out in time.


Shong: The secret when leaping onto the back of a horse, is timing. You just need to–


RH: Apparently it was when they heard of such exploits in battle that they fell in love with you when they were fourteen. And speaking off the record, I must admit that you DO look kinda of cute.


Shong: Have I mentioned that I've been killed a couple of times? Why don't we talk about that for a while?


RH (smiling, running a tongue across her front teeth): Defies death, is cute, AND modest. So tell me, just how serious IS this relationship with the triplets, and how do you juggle all three?


Shong: Th-th-there is no relationship– Bronto I'm gonna get you for this.


RH: Oh, then you're open for dating? What do you think of, say, online interviewers?


New Voice Number One: He is NOT open for dating.


New Voice Number Two: Yeah, he's OUR boyfriend.


New Voice Number Three: So there.


Shong (sighing): By the gods, no…


RH: What? Excuse me but we're in the middle of an interview here. Who are you three?


New Voice Number One: I'm Teenya.


New Voice Number Two: Tanya.


New Voice Number Three: And Tonya.


Teenya: We're Shong's girlfriends.


Shong: Excuse me but I have a dragon to kill. Where's the exit?


RH: Ah, so there IS a relationship?


Tanya: Of course!


Tonya: He just doesn't know it yet.


RH: Oh, I didn't know. Well then I'm very sorry.


Shong: So am I…


Teenya: Quite understandable. Shong's just so cute and brave, we're really surprised that more girls aren't going after him.


Tanya: Well, there was that one Mrs. Courtneed when they were trying to find Thïr Tÿorca.


Tonya: That doesn't count, she was like a hundred. And looked sorta like that one they call Phyllis Diller over here.


(Shong starts taking out a knife)


RH: So then, what's it's like to date someone like Shong? And how do you divide time between him?


Tanya: Oh, we're always together when we're with him.


Teenya (smiling): We share everything.


RH: But what does your father think of that? His three daughters all dating the same man?


(Shong starts leveling the point of the knife at his own belly)


Tonya: Well, first he DOES have other offspring besides us.


RH: Oh really? So just how many of you are there?


Tanya: Fourteen.


RH: FOURTEEN?!


Teenya: There's another set of triplets, but they're boys, then three sets of twins, only one of which are girls, and finally a couple of singles.


RH: My, that's some family!


Tonya: And Shong's lucky enough to get US!


(Shong grabs the knife handle with both hands, takes in a deep breath, and readies himself)


RH: So tell me; woman to woman. Have you guys… Well, you know. Have you… done it yet? And how exactly would that work out?


Shong (praying quietly to himself as he's holding the knife): Candol, get ready with that raise dead spell of yours, because I don't see any other way out of this one.


(All three girls just smile and giggle to Reba's question.)


Tonya: Of course, we know he thinks that we're just a bunch of little girls.


Teenya: He's such a brave warrior, you have to expect that.


Tanya: But we're going to prove ourselves to him, you just watch.


Tanya (leaning in to Shong's right shoulder while her hand gently pulls the knife out of his hands a moment before he would have stabbed himself): After all, we're Royals.


Teenya (leaning in next to Shong's left shoulder): And we Royals never give up on a goal.


Tonya (wrapping both arms around his waist from behind): It's in the blood… Literally, I think, but that's another subject entirely.


Shong: Where's a life-threatening natural disaster when you need one?


RH: Well, I can see that you four need some time alone.


Shong: No we don't; perfectly alright. Say, we haven't talked about my first death yet.


Teenya: Oh yes, Shong, please tell us that story again!


Tanya: You were SOOO brave, charging straight at that vicious dragon.


Tonya: And the best swordsman around. Oh, isn't he just PERFECT?


Shong (Looking up at Reba with pleading eyes): Help?


RH: Well, I can see that this interview has come to an end. This has been another Interview From Across The Stars, with our guest today Shong, and special guests his three royal girlfriends Teenya, Tanya, and Tonya. I am Reba Haws…


Shong: And I am SO dead.


RH: …signing off until next time when we will interview yet another hero from the magical world of Maldene.


Shong: Please, Sabu if you're out there? I could REALLY use a teleport spell right now.


RH (in aside to Shong): Hey, better you than me. I usually come out on the raw end of these interviews.


(The Triplets giggle as we mercifully fade to black.)

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