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Interviews From Across The Stars: Reba Haws Interviews Lady Dragon

Announcer: We had to close down for a while to make repairs from the little firefight between Reba and Lydia, but we’re back and more secure than ever. Though on a side note, after nearly going broke from said incident, our insurance company insisted that Reba take anger-management classes. We’ll see how that works out.

This time Reba herself vetted our guest that Mr. Lucy of Programming conjured up (possibly in the more literal sense). An exotic looking young woman that looks a combination of black and Chinese, by the name of Lady Dragon. So join us now for yet another episode as we see how long we can do this before the FCC and Homeland Security decide to shut us down pending a rather thorough investigation.

Reba Haws: …I am calm, I am centered, and I will not shoot the guests. I am calm, I am– Huh? How long has that ‘On Air’ light been on and why didn’t someone think to– No, I will remain calm and centered.

(It should be noted that as the program opens, Reba was sitting cross-legged on her chair in a Lotus position with hands on her knees in imitation of what Anger Management instructed her to do.)

RH: Welcome to another episode of Interviews From Across The Stars. Today’s guest is from Earth, or at least anEarth. One where apparently cybertech is the name of the game. Lady Dragon, welcome to our show. And who is that with you?

(Lady Dragon is seated calm and unperturbed with a certain regal air, her silk gown flowing down around her and the stool she sits on. Behind her is a young blond lady that looks to be in her early twenties, dressed in a nearly sheer knee-length nightgown but bearing the look more of a protector as she stands next to her.)

Lady Dragon: This is my assistant Sandy. I must say you have a tidy little studio here. And so many… decorations.

RH: If you mean the magic runes and defense perimeter, there’s… reasons.

(Reba’s left eye twitches once at this point.)

RH: Now as I understand it, you come from the same Earth as Black Jack Hannigan.

LD: Ah yes, Mister Hannigan. A very disturbed individual. He has this idea that everyone is out to get him.

RH: A feeling I can very much sympathize with, but let’s hear your take on things. First of all, what do you do? I understand that you are a business owner of some sort?

LD: I am head mistress of The Golden Apple. Sandy here is my head girl.

RH: Ah, I think I’m getting it. Explains why Sandy is dressed like a slut. No offence, meant, Sandy, I’m just trying to get to the heart of things.

Sandy (smiling pleasantly): If I took offense, then I’d have your beating heart in my hand.

(Reba’s left eye twitches again, but she takes in a deep breath and manages to maintain her calm.)

RH: If we can stay away from threats then we’d all be better off.

LD: Yes, I quite agree. Sandy, be civil.

Sandy: Yes, Lady Dragon.

RH: So, was Hannigan a displeased former client, or something?

LD: Something like that. He broke in looking for something but found all my girls quite up to handling him and his friends. Sandy here personally trained every single one.

RH: In how to please a man?

LD: That too.

Sandy (shrugging): Just the basics. You know, control, domination, how best to dig your claws into their sternum. That sort of thing.

(Another eye twitch from Reba, accompanied this time by her fingers digging hard into the armrests of her chair.)

RH: The ‘basics’?

LD: You’ll have to pardon Sandy, but she is so proud of all her girls.

Sandy: I could even do something for you, Reba. Yes… a day at the spa, new wardrobe, the right incantation… I could really turn you out.

RH: Sorry, but I’m a news gal to the end. But did you say ‘right incantation’?

LD: Oh, Sandy was just musing. But on an unrelated question, have you ever considered life as a vampire?

RH (under her breath): I may have to apologize to Cheryl’s next of kin; this vetting thing is harder than it looks.

(Another deep intake of breath, fingers digging once more before relaxing, then to her credit Reba puts on the most pleasant looking smile for her guests.)

RH: So, this little den of iniquity of yours involves vampiric ladies of the evening?

LD: Please, mine is a high-class operation. Our clients come from the most important political and business circles. Men of power and influence.

RH: My mistake.

LD: Apology noted. I so love having a civil discourse for a change. Now as for all my girls being vampires, that is completely ridiculous.

(Reba lets out a sigh of relief.)

LD: It is much better for all levels of my operations to have a variety of girls. All the usual. Vampires, elementals, succubi, even a couple of shapeshifters. That way when the vampires have to remain indoors during the day, the others are available to pick up the slack. And of course I insist that all my girls know at least a little bit about magic. Enchantments, mainly.

Sandy: I teach that in the Seduction and Control courses.

RH (clearing her throat once): So, when Hannigan was talking about The People–

LD: That would be us.

Sandy (proudly): Lady Dragon is one of our leaders.

LD: Sandy, don’t brag, it’s unbecoming. I am one of the ones in charge of this particular expeditionary force for this Earth. Now, as for yourself, I know of this one spell that could change you into the cutest looking succubus. Sandy, why don’t you show Miss Haws?

Sandy: Of course, Lady Dragon.

(While Reba sits there cross-legged trying to look as calm and pleasant as she can, her left hand is digging a trench into the arm rest while her right one is snaking its way to a certain button under the table. During this moment, Sandy’s gown snaps out into a set of wings, revealing a tail she’d had hidden, claws springing from her fingers, fangs, and small horns atop her forehead.)

LD: This form has several advantages, not the least of which would be the ability to go about in the daylight. You would make a lovely addition to the Golden Apple.

RH (swallowing a lump): I see. And, suppose I were to refuse?

LD (somehow managing to combine a smile with a threat): Well then, I would be most displeased.

Sandy: You do not want to displease Lady Dragon. Like, ever.

LD: So, what do you say?

(Reba sits there, the pleasant look on her face struggling to hold back something with a lot more rage behind it. Her right forefinger, meanwhile, is resting against the hidden button.)

RH: Well, doesn’t seem to be much choice, does there?

LD: Not really. And maybe as your first assignment I might task you with bringing down Hannigan.

RH (barely holding it back behind a civil smile): Well, first I would like to apologize to my insurance company for what is about to happen. Then second to my Anger Management instructor. I tried, I really tried.

LD: Perfectly understandable, but we always win in the end. The People can never be defeated.

RH: You don’t mind if I try anyway, do you?

LD: Oh, go right ahead. I would be disappointed if you submitted so easily. It’s just so refreshing to keep such an exchange this civil for so long. Not like Mister Hannigan.

RH: Yes, I’ve met the man. Well then, to proceed…

(Reba’s finger stabs hard into the button, which then begins a cascade of events, not the least of which is grabbing a gun out from under her seat and leaping up on top of it to begin pulling off shots. First there’s the alarm, accompanied by a large flashing sign appearing in the wall behind Reba, the sign reading “Warning, Acme Insurance has been notified!” Then there’s the security barriers slamming down, guns popping out of the walls, and… Well, you probably know the entire routine by now.)

RH (screaming in rage as she fires off her gun): Why can’t I get a normal interview just the once?!

(The bullets bounce off Sandy’s naked hide, and as for Lady Dragon, they seem to go through her, getting nothing more than a perturbed glance at the hole now in her gown.)

LD: One of my good dresses. Sandy, if you would?

(With a screech, Sandy leaps across to Reba with claws raking, but fortunately one of the auto-cannons got her in the thigh; enough to tumble her off course and give Reba a chance to leap up onto the table cackling insanely as she aims her pistol now right for Lady Dragon’s forehead at nearly point-blank range.)

RH: Die you vampiric scum!

(Once again, no harm done to Lady Dragon.)

LD (looking a little more perturbed): It’s like I said, I am not of the undead. That would be Doctor Valasera. But, I suppose now that a lesson must be made for my future girl.

(Reba pulls off a few more shots then leaps across to land on the floor before the sound booth– now with its blast partition down and another auto cannon peeking out from either side of it. Sandy, meanwhile, has gotten back up on her feet screeching, but when she sees Lady Dragon’s change of mood immediately flies out of the way between her and our Reba.)

RH: I am not one of your girls. Not an elf, miniature dragon, nymph, or any of the rest, so do your worst because I’ve seen it all!

LD: As you wish. But remember, you asked.

(Lady Dragon goes from calmly sitting on her stool to erupting into an explosion of torrential winds that start whipping around the room with hurricane-force, and nothing left of her body but the transparent wind-borne image of her face at the center of it all. Reba grabs one arm around a heavy looking piece of equipment to anchor herself while taking it all in.)

RH: Well, I guess I stand corrected. Air elemental? New one on me.

(Reba tries firing off a shot but the winds merely rip the pistol out of her grip. As for the auto-cannons… Bullets against living wind?)

RH (shouting at this point): Sandy, do me a favor and sign off the show for me?

(Sandy had her toe and heel claws dug into the floor against the indoor storm and quite content to let Lady Dragon rage, but to Reba’s request gives a shrug.)

Sandy: Sure. Anything for a future employee of Lady Dragon.

(Whereupon Sandy leaps across the room, tumbles down into a crouch before the main table, and reaches up a hand to pull down a large microphone.)

Sandy: Hi fans, Reba has asked me to do the sigh off while she deals with Lady Dragon’s disciplinary measures. So this is Sandy reminding you that it’s futile to resist The People when we come to your world; we’re everywhere. Tah-tah!

(Editor’s note: Acme Insurance still didn’t buy our story, and Reba’s up for another three months of Anger management.)

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