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Author Madness- Interviews From Across The Stars: Eldar

Okay, so what happens when a highly creative author gets bored? Odd… little things. Then add in a need to wave the flag around and get some attention, he thinks up a bizarre little series of articles that involves interviewing characters from out of his own books.

Here’s the set up: “Interviews From Across The Stars” is an imagined radio show wherein intrepid unflappable (mostly) reporter Reba Haws interviews various guests. The hook? Those guests are characters from my first “Maldene” novel, treated as if they’d popped into full-blown existence and walked into the studio in the flesh to be interviewed. They get interviewed on this supposed radio show, in the studio, from which the written transcript is then produced and posted for your reading enjoyment.

Get it? Okay then, getting into character…

Announcer: Welcome to our show, Interviews From Across The Stars, where ace reporter Reba Haws will be interviewing various characters from otherworldly fiction. In short, characters from the stars… or more specifically Maldene. Thanks to a fortuitous interdimensional portal, her first guest will be an elf by the name of Eldar. So join us now as we see how Reba does with Eldar…

Reba Haws (RH): Hello, and welcome to Interviews From Across The Stars, where I will be interviewing various people from the world of Maldene. I’m your interviewer, Reba Haws. Now, as you know Maldene is home to about the most diabolical villain around, a wizard named Miro, so to protect the families and friends of our guests from the fallout of his rage, we will be cloaking the identities of our guests.

To proceed then, our first guest hails from the Elven Woodlands in the northwestern corner of Degaloth. Eldar, welcome to our show.

Eldar: Uh, didn’t you just say you’d be hiding our identities? I mean, you just gave my name and all–

RH: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. But hey, you’re supposed to be a hero and all. Killed a dragon or something; all by yourself from what I hear.

Eldar: That may have been the wine talking, since I DID have some help. An exciting adventure I would be glad to relate to you.

(Here Eldar pulls out a slender sword and leaps up on top of his chair whipping it around.)

Eldar: There we were, this ginormous dragon coming down on us, turning everyone into ash and only my sword between me and it.

(He swings his sword, cutting down the boom-mic and nearly Reba’s nose in the process.)

RH: Uh, okay I’m REALLY sorry about the identity thing, so why don’t we start with something more basic about yourself.

Eldar: A swing and a miss and then- What? Well, okay.

(sheathing his sword he immediately plops down on his chair suddenly as calm as can be).

Eldar: I’m game if you are. Don’t have many relatives left worth the trouble anyway. Well, let’s see. I like to party, my favorite color is Narlu, my hobbies include annoying Mauklo and making witty comebacks-

RH: Eldar, this is not a dating service. Could you be a bit more serious?

Eldar: You’re kidding, right? I mean, ask all my friends. Ask my human wizard friend, Sabu– Hey, you having him on later? Just a word of warning: don’t let him get too caught up with that big brain of his. He can rattle on for-ev-er. Me, on the other hand, just gimme a glass of whimsy wine, a sword, and any good excuse. Then it’s time to party!

RH: I see… So, your idea of having fun is… fighting?

Eldar: Of course not. It’s fighting with style! Anybody can swing a sword, but how many people can fight a wizard with a cream pie?

RH: You’re kidding, right?

Eldar: They asked me to create a distraction, so I conjured forth this five-foot giant cream pie to smack right into the wizard’s face. Perfect distraction, right? I mean, who does cream pies anymore?”

RH: I guess you may have a point there. But, to continue onto more–

Eldar: But you have to be careful sometimes. Like for instance, never- and I mean never- apply sneezing powder anywhere near a dragon. Though it did work rather well with those metodanes. Oh, they’re sorta like sharks, only a thousand feet long and have this sort of underwater breath weapon. That was kinda messy, but I hear you’ll be reading about that.

RH: Yes, in the book. Now, can we get back to what motivates you to be a–

Eldar: Say, do I get royalties on this or something? I mean, they are my adventures; well, mine and the others. Maybe a free copy to show off to my bowl of jello back home. And did they get my good side?

RH: That’s for movies. And what do you mean about jello?

Eldar: Well, technically it’s alive; a souvenir from one of our expeditions. Oh, how much can I talk about? I mean, I wouldn’t want to spoil anything for everyone. Though I could just leave out a few things, like anything having to do with Mauklo– stick in the mud anyway, though never mess with the man’s dignity. I’d sooner toss sneezing powder at a dragon.

RH: But, you just said never to get sneezing powder anywhere near–

Eldar: Mauklo’s a wizard friend of mine– though ‘friend’ is a bit strong, so let’s just call him an associate. Anyway, the fastest way to an interesting demise is to offend his dignity.

RH: I’ll… try not to. I think we have him slated for a few weeks from now.

Eldar: Really? I mean, on purpose? Well, good luck with that.

(Reba looks at Eldar suspiciously now, but before she can ask the reason behind his remark, Eldar picks up again.)

Eldar: But one of my proudest moments so far was when I mooned that funnel storm.

RH: Excuse me– you did what to a which?

Eldar: Nope, said too much already. Let’s get back to some of the battles I’ve been in. There was this giant visiswit…

(Eldar once again whips out his sword and begins demonstrating by taking a few test jabs at a sound technician that happened to step in with a replacement for the severed boom mic. The sound-tech is forced to use his boom mic as a polearm to defend himself. Unfortunately against Eldar’s sword it is quickly reduced from pole arm to long sword to dagger. Reba starts waving her arms to get Eldar’s attention and give the sound-tech a chance to escape.)

RH: Eldar, excuse me? But the show’s over here? Now about that funnel storm. I’ve heard of them, but why would you–

(Eldar’s attention once again shifts, his sword swinging away from the sound-tech and in the general direction of Miss Haws to be put to use as a pointer as he continues.)

Eldar: Ooh! We could talk about this one tavern I know about. It’s at the Harbor Of The World, and the performer– Well, just remember to sit at the front tables. She could dance like a dream.

(Eldar starts to pantomiming an exotic dance, with his sword still held in hand as he spins around. Reba ducks down behind her side of the table, taking her microphone down with her.)

RH: If you don’t mind, I would like to get back to–

Eldar: And then there was that time we fought the demon slime lord. Talk about messy!

(A fake jab with his sword into the air as he makes a face as if at something disgusting.)

RH: I fear I have lost control of this interview.

Eldar: What interview?

RH (sighing): The one we’ve been having the last several minutes!

Eldar: Oh, really? When does it start, I want to see it.

(Another swing and jab of his sword, resulting in the falling of an equipment stand down into several pieces, before Reba slaps a hand to her forehead, then being the trooper that she is, dares to get back up in her seat, straighten up, and offer a smile for the closing.)

RH (with a heavier sigh than before): And that brings us to the end of another Interview From Across The Stars. Join me next week when I interview another guest in from the magical world of Maldene.

Eldar: Will there be cheese?

RH: Eldar, you are the most frustrating–

Eldar: Yeah, that’s why they love me, alright. But you forgot to tell them about the web site.

RH: Gee, I wonder why? Okay, it’s Go there before Eldar makes a mess of it. This is Reba Hawbs signing off.

Eldar: Oh, just one last question? This web site; does it have actual spiders on it? And if so, how big are they? Because I love killing giant spiders!

(Miss Haws managed to give the sound-man some relief by finding a convenient towel to scream into.)

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