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Two Cows- Maldene Style

Updated: Dec 2, 2021

I just saw a Discworld version of the old “You have two cows” comparison thing, so I thought, “Why not do a Maldene version?” So, here goes, using characters from the first book of Maldene.


You have two cows…


Sabu: Only two? I can cast a spell to fix that. How many do you want?


Sindar: I have read the mind of the cows and they’d both rather you find a bull to keep them company.


Eldar: You have two cows, you find three more cows as well as a pigeon and a vat of Whimsey Wine and and have a party.


Po-Adar: You have two cows, you turn them pink with purple wings then set them loose on a nearby village to see if they’ll believe that they’re all drunk. You then lose interest and forget all about the strange cows you set loose.


Shong: You have two cows. You hide behind them to avoid being caught by a certain set of royal Triplets.


Lindel: You have two cows… they’re probably immune to your arrows like everything else around seems to be.


Sheil-Bor(h): Let us meditate upon the holy cow…


Candol: You have two cows… time to speak to them of the holy word of the Almighty Indra. It might help if you could get them to talk. Hmm, now there’s a thought…


Quickfoot: You have two cows. What do I need with a bunch of cows? I give one of them to the owner of the local knife shop then while he’s gratefully looking it over I steal every knife in his place.

Blag-ak: You have two cows. Your little friend Quickfoot gives you the one he has left. You now spend the next ten minutes trying to count to three.

Starke: You have two cows, you recruit a hundred more using honest and enticing recruiting techniques, train them into an army, then send them off to attack Po-Adar’s cows.

Bronto: I’m thinking steaks. A barbecue, some wine, a few girls…

Lorel: You have two cows. You suddenly realize that you’re afraid of cows and transform into...

Schanter: Schanter hate cows, cows pain. Schanter love cows. Schanter bash head against cows’ hooves.


Mauklo: You have two cows. You steal one from Candol and blame it on the cult of Set, then give him the one you just stole, saying it’s one of yours but he can have it to make up for what Set stole, then will have earned Candol’s lasting gratitude. You then repeat the process with as many other people versus their respective nemesis as you can and soon have everyone owing you favors… which is worth far more than a bunch of messy cows.


Dwingale: Mauklo, don’t you dare touch a hair on any of these cows!


Filmar: I’d report Mauklo, but then there’s that prophecy. This is frustrating. I give my cows to some starving peasants.


Miro: With just two cows I shall take over the world. You shall never see my plan coming. Muahahaha.






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