Announcer: Today Reba Haws interviews that wizard of questionable sanity, Po-Adar. The one of whom Lord Chaos has said, "That guy's nuts!", his role in the unfolding events of Maldene seems a bit murky at best. So join us as Reba tries to get to the bottom of what lies within…
Reba Haws (RH): Hello, out guest today is Po-Adar. I'm Reba Haws and this is Interviews From Across The Stars. Po, welcome to the show.
Po-Adar: I'm glad to be here, little one. So tell me, what type of elf are you?
RH: I'm not an Elf, I'm a Human. Now, as usual our guest is wearing a hood so his face cannot be identified by any of Miro's minions. So with that–
Po-Adar: Actually, that's not why I wear it.
Po-Adar: No, I always wear a hood. It's more to protect You. So, not an Elf, eh? I would have said Elf, you being so short and all. Hobbit?
RH: I'm not Elf nor Hobbit. The problem is you're close to nine feet tall.
Po-Adar: Not an Elf… Would you like to be one? Here.
RH: No wait–
(Po-Adar makes a gesture with his hands.)
RH: What's happening, I feel- YEEEOOOOW!
(Reba's ears suddenly grow points. Rather painfully, apparently).
RH: My ears, they're… pointed. But how–
Po-Adar: You can thank me later.
RH: Thank-you? Do you have any idea how painful that felt?
Po-Adar: Pain helps you grow as a person. Look at me; that's why I'm so tall. Lots and lots of pain. So many ungrateful people, including that runt of a King. Here I go and help him out SO much, and what do I get from it? I'm just that crazy wizard who lives on an island full of goblins. Ungrateful little– Oh, where were we? Oh, yes. I can remove those points if you want.
(Po-Adar starts reaching out with a hand sporting one very long and sharp looking claw.)
RH (covering her ears with her hands): No, no, perfectly okay. I like being an elf. Now, if we can get on with the interview? Please?
Po-Adar: As you wish. Oh, I am a most inhospitable host; I should have served refreshments.
RH: Host? But this is my–
(waves his hands, drinks appear.)
RH: Oh. Lemonade. Okay, I guess I am a bit thirsty. Thank-you.
(Reba reaches for the glass, takes a sip… immediately makes a face and spits it out.)
Po-Adar: You're welcome.
RH: This isn't lemonade!
Po-Adar: I never said it was. Did you like it?
RH: Of course not! It was terrible.
Po-Adar (puzzled): That's funny, it tasted pretty good going down the first time.
(Reba blanches, looks at the remainder in her glass, pushes it very carefully away.)
Reba: Sooo… It says here in my notes that you're a wizard who worked with the King.
Po-Adar (getting angry): Yes, that ungrateful little– Why, he wouldn't be King if it wasn't for me.
RH: I see. Then, you're on Miro's side?
Po-Adar (suddenly amused): Now why would I do that? No, I'd just like to see them both burn. Then I could televise it on CBN.
Po-Adar: Crystal Ball Network. Boy, you really are uninformed for a News Elf.
RH: I am not– No wait, I guess I am. Now. I guess the "News" elf part is why I seem to be growing a pair of microphone antennas out of the tips of my ears?
Po-Adar (smiling): Wait until the video screen starts to come in. You can thank me later. So, how long have you been a News Elf and what inspired you to join this profession?
RH (getting upset): About five minutes, and the inspiration was from someone's twisted little–
Po-Adar: Ah, so you're twisted. Very good. Oh, would you like a snack. I got a bowl of trailmix here.
(One tentacle comes out from within his robe bearing a bowl of "trailmix".)
Po-Adar: It's got all the usual: pine cones, sow bugs, twigs, cockroaches, scorpion tails, lady fingers– Now, that's odd, the lady fingers are missing. Hmmm… Say, you're a lady, would you mind if–
RH: No! I'd just like to get through this interview with my sanity intact!
Po-Adar (grinning): Good luck on that one. Okay, ask me anything you like.
(Reba takes a few breaths to calm down before continuing).
RH: Okay, we'll try something innocent. That hood; you said you wear it to protect others. How so?
Po-Adar: Well, a lot of people seem to think I'm ugly, so I save them the embarrassment of insulting me by trying to hold back their reaction by covering up.
RH: Why, that's just awful! How can people be so insensitive. Just because you have a couple of warts, is no reason to act like that.
Po-Adar: Now THAT is all I've been asking for. Just a little sympathy. Here I go helping out that King to get to where he is and I have to hide my face from everybody. Sad, really.
RH (looking sympathetic): I think I understand how you must feel now.
RH: In fact, I'll go one step further. I'LL take a look at the face under the hood and promise not to make one disparaging remark.
Po-Adar: Are you sure?
RH (firmly): Yes! I have a point to prove to all those discriminators out there.
Po-Adar: Very well.
(Po-Adar turns to Reba, whom readies herself, then slowly pulls away his hood for her to see his face in full. Reba blanches and manages to hold herself in for about 1.2 seconds).
RH: AAAAAA! Oh for the love of Christ, what IS that!
(Po-Adar bends closer, Reba stumbles back off her chair on to the ground, comes up looking terrified, reaches a hand around the desk until she finds the glass of "lemonade", downs it completely, along with a handful of the "trailmix", then shakes her head.)
RH: It's still there! What inhuman horror–
Po-Adar: And I want to thank you for being so sympathetic.
(Po-Adar reaches forward and plants a kiss with what looks like a mass of spiky tendrils… across her entire face. Her eyes go wide as she slumps to the floor out of sight.)
Po-Adar: Well, I guess that's our show then.
RH: Mffl-flenderfous… worms, gotta have worms… Butterflies, ever notice how ugly they are REALLY up close?"
Po-Adar: This has been Interviews From Across The Stars…
RH: flender-aaaa. Msnfff…
Po-Adar: I'm your host, Po-Adar, with my guest here dribbling on the floor…
(Reba emits a sound that resembles a cat trying to swallow a snake whole while coughing up a fur ball.)
Po-Adar: …saying, may all your stars be happy ones.
(Po-Adar smiles once then looks down at the floor).
Po-Adar: Reba, you really must show a little dignity. Now, if you behave I'll feed you a little more trailmix when we get home.
Po-Adar: That's better.