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Interviews From Across The Stars: Reba Haws Interviews Moriya

Announcer: Reba’s back from Anger Management and ready to roll! We also got a new insurance company, but that’s a long story involving someone’s first born. Reba also wanted to install some additional upgrades, such as armor-glass all around her desk, but that simply was not in the budget.

At any rate, today Reba interviews Moriya, who apparently is a lost wanderer amongst the stars and some sort of elemental mage. By the way, there is an office pool going as to how far into the interview she gets before things start blowing up. My money’s on Reba not getting as far as a proper sign-off. Well, here goes another one…

Reba Haws: …I want all anti-magic barriers up, perimeter guns locked and loaded, I don’t care how peaceful our guest– Oh, on air? Well, give me a thirty second warning next time… Welcome to another episode of Interviews From Across The Stars. I’m your host, Reba Haws, here with today’s guest Moriya, who apparently is some sort of wandering sorceress. Moriya, welcome to our show.

(Moriya, it should be noted, is a rather stern looking tall woman, dressed in loose robes, with an old gnarled bluish oak staff covered in mystic runes.)

Moriya: I have never been interviewed before. This should be interesting.

RH: That’s a word and a half for most of my shows. At any rate, my first question is where do you come from? My notes say that you’re some sort of stellar wanderer?

(It should be noted that behind the desk Reba’s right foot is now poised over a large red button installed on the floor, that if she steps on it will unleash fury upon the one seated in the guest chair. She also has a small foam ball in one hand, there to squeeze any time she feels the need; it even makes a pleasant little squeak when she does so, all to calm her nerves.) Moriya: Not by choice. You see, my original home world was blasted to bits by an evil force. Fortunately my castle was equipped with the means to traverse the stars, which I and my people have been doing ever since.

RH: Your entire world destroyed? And I thought I had it rough.

(Reba gives a light squeeze of her foam ball.)

Moriya: It’s worse than you know. That same force seemed intent on destroying any world that had made it to the stars, so every time my castle would land on a new world, it would not be long before that same evil force would come along again and it’d be all I could do to load up some new refugees and escape to somewhere else.

RH (with a couple more tight squeezes of the foam ball): This force, what chance is there that–

Moriya: Oh, no need to worry. Your world is safe enough. It’s only when a world reaches the stars that there’s a danger.

RH (releasing the tension on her foam ball): Ah, that’s good then.

Moriya: Why, if I hadn’t found this one world to finally call home, I’d still be running. The locals have taken me and my people in as one of their own.

RH (with a nervous twitch of her left eye, grip tightening back around the foam ball): A place to call home, you say. May I ask (another nervous twitch), what is the name of this port of call that you found?

(Reba’s left eye twitches a couple more times as Moriya is taking in breath to reply.)

Moriya: Oh, it’s a world far away from your Earth, I doubt you would have heard of it.

RH (suspicious and with the left eye twitching once more): Humor me.

Moriya: Very well. The world is called Maldene.

(To her credit, Reba maintains her calm as well as can be expected, though that twitch in her left eye is tapping out quite the beat, not to mention that foam ball may soon need replacing; its pleasant squeak, in fact, is starting to sound like a faint cry for help. I guess those Anger Management classes are holding out… for now.)

RH: I see. And just what sort of people have you encountered over there? Anyone by the name of Eldar, or Sindar?

Moriya (brightening)): Ah, then you know of the place. Actually Sindar and his wife Lo-rey were the first ones I encountered. Did you know that he’s quite the psychic?

RH (eye back to twitching again): I’m somewhat familiar with the man. So, what do you think of the natives? Ever want to just throttle them or something?

Moriya: Oh, by all means no. They are quite helpful. I stay away from that Po-Adar person, of course, but otherwise–

(Moriya is interrupted by that sound of a squawk and a pop as the foam ball in her grip gives its last.)

Moriya: Is something wrong?

RH: Wrong? What could be wrong? Besides coming from a place that houses the most criminally insane nuts in the Multiverse.

Moriya: Like I said, I stay away from Po-Adar.

RH: I’m talking about Eldar, Sindar, and the rest of those abusive goof-balls.

(At this point, Moriya goes from pleasant to angry looking with quite the amazing speed as she stands up, gripping her staff in her hands. We also seem to have a breeze building up within the studio.)

Moriya: You are talking about my friends.

RH: If you call them friends, then I call you mentally unstable.

Moriya: I should warn you, I am no mere sorceress. I am Moriya, Mistress of the Winds!

(Reba’s left eye at this point is doing the rumba as a maniacal look crosses her features.)

RH: And I’ve interviewed wind-freaks before. Elementals or sorceresses, it doesn’t matter.

(Reba’s foot slams down on that red button, just as Moriya raises her staff. A crack of thunder slams out from the tip of her staff, as a pair of auto cannons poke down from the ceiling and begin firing, a pentagram with mystic symbols lights up in the floor around Moriya’s chair, a multitude of alchemical dusts spray down on her, and a transparent blast shield snaps up before Reba’s desk. Our man in the sound booth put up his blast shield when the interview began and has been operating under remote view ever since.)

Moriya: You have no idea of my power! I am unafraid of your toys!

(With that, that light breeze cuts out like a knife, ripping the auto cannons from their roots to be tossed against Reba’s blast shield, those alchemical powders are tossed into the ventilation system to circulate through the entire building, the pentagram doesn’t seem to be doing any good, and we just activated Clause Five of our new insurance contract. Well, it was nice while it lasted.)

RH: I will tolerate no freaks from that planet!

Moriya: And I will tolerate no insults!

(You can guess the rest. Hurricane in the middle of the studio versus three or four more hidden weapons that Reba had lying around. Rather catastrophic, the winds tore open one wall and bled into another studio that was recording “The Farm Report” that just happened to be reporting on what the weather will be like; I’m guessing they were wrong. At any rate, it’s a mess everywhere.)

The Sound Guy: Hi, this is Al the Sound Guy. This would normally be the part where Reba does her sign-off, but seeing as how our radar last had her being blown about half a mile up while trying to aim a bazooka at our guest, that sorta leaves it up to me. Anyway, this has been another thrilling episode of Interviews From Across The Stars, or as the crew likes to call it, We’re Not Getting Paid Enough For This Gig… Oh, and I just got word that I’ve been dubbed Lucky Al, since I actually survived to the end of the show.

(Special Note: Guess where that last bazooka shot ended up at shortly after Al’s sign-off? Flowers can be sent in his name care of this station. Looks like I also won the office betting pool.)

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