Announcer: Once again our intrepid interviewer returns… but only because we assured her that her new guest is NOT from Maldene. Oh, he’s in the book, it’s just that he’s not from Maldene. He’s from Devoon, which is another planet that our heroes get to visit from time to time, and is the source of much frustration for them. He calls himself the Dragon Lord, and is rumored to be one of those people working for Miro. So, before Miss Haws can find where we hid the keys to the back door and escape, we now present Reba Haws interviewing… The Dragon Lord.
Reba Haws (speaking in aside into her mic): So, he’s really not one of those guys from Maldene? Because, that crowd has got me banned from at least three major mental healthcare plans– What? Oh… Hello fiction fans, today I’m interviewing a man known as The Dragon Lord. Welcome to our studio, Mister Dragon Lord.
Dragon Lord: Hmm, you don’t LOOK like a dragon.
RH: I’m not, I’m here to interview you. Now it says here that you come from Devoon.
DL: I am Devoon’s lord and master. I conquered it fair and square and there’s not a thing you can do about it because it’s my game. Are you one of my subjects?
RH: Er, no, I’m from Earth.
DL: Not a very informative answer. All you mortals come from the earth but that doesn’t tell me what planet you come from.
RH: No, Earth IS the name of the planet.
DL: Someone named their planet after a clump of dirt? How very unimaginative.
RH: Yes, well be that as it may, I understand that you work for that sinister villain of Maldene, Miro.
DL: I do not work FOR anyone. How can you POSSIBLY make that mistake! I am the lord master supreme of all dragons and it’s no fair that you make such a ridiculous mistake, I just cannot…
(During this tirade, the Dragon Lord’s voice goes from his normal deep baritone, running up the scale to something approximating an angry chipmunk from Disney, not to mention his words coming a lot faster.)
DL: …fathomhowanyonecouldpossibly–
RH: Excuse me, but I’m just going by my notes. If you wish to offer a correction… Also I’m told that our sound guy is complaining about the decibel levels of your tone.
DL (bringing his voice back down to normal): Hmm, well. I am sorry that your ill-informed people made such a fatal mistake, and as for your sound man… he would make a lovely statue for my garden. At any rate, I am an ALLY of Miro. Now can we get away from talking about Maldene? I’ve had nothing but constant consternation from a certain bunch of characters from that world.
RH: You TOO? I’m always getting off on the losing end with that crowd. FINALLY, a sympathetic ear!
DL: They DO get in the way of one’s plans. Why, once they cost me a house!
RH: They cost me my sanity on at least three different occasions… or was it four?
DL: I’ll agree that they make rather rude houseguests. You know, you appear to be a rather nice young lady. I’ve changed my mind about adding you to my garden of statues.
RH: Well, uh… thanks? But what about our sound guy?
(Reba then glanced over to the glass partition of the booth to see Earl, our audio technician, standing in a twisted misshapen position of some obvious great pain, frozen there in stone).
DL: Oh, I’m putting him in the anteroom of my new house. Hope you don’t mind.
RH: Well, um, all things considered, not really.
DL: Good, because I’ve decided to reward you for being so nice to me.
RH (looking hopeful… for once): Well, thank-you. It’s about time that someone around here–
DL: I’m going to turn you into a dragon.
RH: Huh?
DL: You can thank me later. Of course you won’t remember much at that point, including how painful the process is, which will be fortunate. But you WILL be thanking me because you would be a dragon and I’m lord and master of all dragons.
RH: Wait, it sounds like you’re implying that my mind will be erased or something.
DL: Oh, completely. And then we will have such fun together, as you join my hordes in another game of conquest. What color dragon would you like to be? Brown is popular, but for you I’m picturing blue. And then for your breath weapon–
RH (starting to look nervous): Uh, look, if you don’t mind I’m pretty happy being human right now. So, thanks but no thanks.
(Hearing this, the Dragon Lord’s mood abruptly changes. Also for some reason there’s some thunder coming over the audio equipment even though the studio is completely sound proofed from any outside noise.)
DL: You DARE to refuse my generous gift? I offer to elevate you above the slime this world has to offer and you–
RH: N-now I’m not refusing exactly, it’s just– I’m not worthy, that’s it! I feel that my being a dragon would be an insult to your–
DL (voice starting to rise again): You little insect, you dare to refuse me, your lord and master! That is NOT how the game is played. When I bestow such a generous gift, you kneel and thank me as is proper. I willnotsithereandbeinsultedbyalittle$%&*(()&^$…
(Sorry, but we had to bleep the rest. Not that it involved any bad words or anything, it’s just that without Earl to monitor the decibel levels anymore, it was starting to damage our speakers).
RH (sliding off her chair and starting to sink a little behind the table for protection): Uh, is there any chance we can start over? Or better yet– Someone get me out of here!
(At this point a loud crack of thunder is heard that shakes the room… and possibly the entire building)
RH: Was that YOU?!
(Dragon Lord suddenly returns to his calm baritone self, sporting a malicious grin.)
DL: Actually that was my favorite pet. I have him waiting in the empty lot next door.
RH: But there is… no empty lot next door.
DL (smile widens): There is now.
(Reba looks horrified and ducks down even lower behind the table.)
RH (tapping her ear piece): Wait, what’s that? Oh, I’m sorry Mister Dragon Lord, but our chief executive– Harry Leemar, third floor, fourth door on the left, don’t bother knocking– has just informed me that we have to cut our little show short. So, if you don’t mind, I’m afraid that I have to–
(Note that at the time no one was actually talking to her through her ear piece.)
DL: But we’re just getting into things,. Now, where were we… Oh yes. I was about to decide what pose you would look best in as a statue. Tell you what, why don’t I just hit you with a spell of wracking pain then you can just feel free to improvise. Whatever comes to mind. Then I’ll freeze you when it looks good.
RH: Sabu! Eldar! Mauklo! Any of you clowns, come down and help me. You guys owe me!
(The Dragon Lord starts advancing a couple of steps, stops at the table, then with a motion of his hand it turns to dust, leaving poor Miss Haws completely exposed.)
DL: I shall break you, then you will serve me. THAT is the way this game goes. Your sanity shall be mine.
RH (crawling backwards): I’m sorry, my sanity’s spoken for. Po-Adar has it in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnal’s porch someplace. But if you’ll kindly– Po-Adar, HELP!
(The transcript abruptly ends at this point, but the Dragon Lord was seen leaving the building, though with a miniature one-food dragon perched on his shoulder that Security tells us he did not have going in. As far as Miss Haws, we are still trying to locate her. Since her last request seemed to be begging the services of the wizard Po-Adar, we have sent a memo to him requesting that he look into the matter of her disappearance.)