Announcer: After some recuperation time from her interview with Po-Adar, and a LOT of therapy, Reba Haws is back with yet another interview, this time with that beloved ogre, Blak-ak, with a little help from his small companion Quickfoot. So join us as she tries to get to the heart of the simple-minded Black-ak…
Reba Haws (RH): Hi there, this is– meow. Whoops, sorry about that. They said I might have some flashback episodes. At any rate, this is Reba Haws and today’s guest with Interview From Across The Stars is a rather large ogre by the name of Blag-ak. In fact, we’re having to sit him down on a cement couch just for this interview. Black-ak, welcome to our show.
Blag-ak (BA): Pineapple. Blag-ak love pineapple.
RH: No, Mister Blag-ak, that’s not a pineapple, that’s a stage mic. Please don’t–
Sound Man back in booth: YYYYEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!
BA: Not taste like pineapple. Blag-ak no like.
RH: Neither does our Sound Man. Sorry about that, Frank. Now to continue, what is it like to adventure around with Sabu, Eldar, and the rest?
BA: Purty lights.
RH: Yes they are, and they’re also the stage lights, so if you wouldn’t–
RH (with a sigh): And with apologies to our lighting guy, Bill. Blag-ak, could you please focus and stop wrecking the studio?
New Voice From Out Of Nowhere: Well, you should be. Wrecking up the place like that.
RH: Huh? Who said that?
New Voice: Down here.
(From beneath the other side of the desk jumps something around three feet tall, bare but hairy feet, and a small coat that jingles as he moves. He lands on top of the desk and gives a short bow.)
Quickfoot: I’m Quickfoot, companion to my dimwitted friend here. (Turns now to the ogre and slaps him across the face.) The nice lady is trying to ask you some questions, so behave.
RH: You just slapped an ogre. And he let you get away with it!
QF: Nothing, really. You could slap him with a two by four and he’d barely feel it. Besides, we’re friends. I ride on his shoulder all the time.
RH: I see.
QF: Now just go ahead and ask your questions. I’ll translate.
RH: Okay, let’s give this a– meow– I mean, a try. Mister Blag-ak…
QF: Leave out the ‘mister’, it’ll only confuse him.
RH: Okay, Blag-ak, what do you think of your adventures with Sabu and the rest?
BA: Blag-ak think?
QF: You confused him.
RH: With the word ‘think’?
QF: Here… Blag-ak, the nice lady wants to know how much you like being with the gang.
BA (nodding sudden, and rather enthusiastic, comprehension): Blag-ak like. Like THIS much.
(Spreading his arms apart wide, the ogre knocks over a studio camera on one side and with the other sends an intern flying across the room with a crash).
BA: Good friends. Treat Blag-ak nice. Let me keep babies.
RH (wide eyed): This creature has babies?!
QF: He means the baby dragons. He’s the only one that actually thinks they’re cute and cuddly. Go figure.
RH: I see…
QF: Probably not, but nice try anyway. What’s the next question?
RH: Well, it says in my notes that there was a time when some wizard turned Blag-ak to stone. Can you tell us–
BA: Bad wizard. Blag-ak not like bad wizard.
(And to demonstrate just how much he does not like this “bad wizard”, the ogre pounds one fist down through the table between him and Reba. Which, of course, promptly destroys said table. Reba now slides her chair very quickly back while doing a commendable job of trying to keep her composure).
QF: Not a good subject.
RH: I can see that. Okay, how’s about something more pleasant (shuffling through her now-scattered notes)… Ah, there’s something here about how he sang once.
QF (quickly): No! Please no.
BA: Blag-ak like sing. Blag-ak sing now.
(Quickfoot immediately dives across the room to take cover beneath some of the debris, while Reba looks a bit puzzle. In the sound booth, meanwhile, the Sound Man has recovered just in time to see the ogre take in a deep breath and locks a terrified gaze with Reba).
BA: GREEN SHEEPS ALL JOY, GREEN SHEEPS LIGHT. GREEN SHEEPS HEART I PULL…
(The tortured racket that came out of the ogre’s mouth shattered the glass before the sound booth, as well as the Sound Man’s ears, ruined an interview in the studio nextdoor when the one being interviewed– a man who had never cussed in his entire life– gave his opinion on the singing by way of a string of expletives that would make General George Patton wince, was the cause of at least three coronary episodes, and struck dead the studio’s pet cat. We have left out the bulk of the “singing” from this transcript, but it was followed by a long pause as Reba sits bolt upright in her chair just staring…)
RH (finally): What in the name of–
QF (poking his head up from the pile): That was Greensleeves.
RH: You’re kidding. There was no way that sonic attack was Greensleeves, though it does make me feel a little green.
QF: You should have heard him before he practiced. He’s actually gotten quite good.
RH: Compared to what?
BA (looking proud): Blag-ak also sing Twelve Days Christmas. Want hear?
RH (along with the wounded intern, the deaf Sound Man, and some random people from out in the hall): NO! Please, by all that’s holy.
BA: No like sing?
RH: It– it’s not that, it’s just that–
(Fortunately for Reba, she is interrupted by what sounds like some angrily conversing studio guards coming down the hall saying something about a thief.)
QF: Oh, I may have to go now, and by the way, if anyone in a uniform happens to come in here and ask about some missing cutlery from your commissary then you never saw me.
RH: What?! You stole from the cafeteria?
QF: Hey, I have a thing for knives…
Nearing Voices: …fourteen knives, not to mention half our supply of twinkies…
QF: …and possibly sweet cakes. Well, time to go. Blag-ak, there are some bad men that want to capture me.
(The ogre suddenly looks angry as Quickfoot hops up onto his shoulder.)
BA: Not like bad men pick on friend!
(With a roar that makes the singing look like a whisper, he one-arms the door completely off its hinges and into a shower of splinters and starts to step away.)
RH: Well, I guess that’s the end of this interview… not to mention most of the studio. So, this is Reba Haws, saying–
BA: Blag-ak like purdy lady. Not let bad men get her.
(The ogre wraps one large hand around Reba’s entire chest and starts slinging her over his free shoulder.)
RH: Now wait a second, Kong, you can’t do this! Let me down, before I–
QF: Just go with it. He’ll let you down when he thinks we’re safe.
RH: SAFE?! I am anything BUT safe right now. Tell him to–
(Through where the door used to be, the ogre sees the pair of uniformed guards, and with a bellow, starts charging right towards them.)
…At last report, the two guards the ogre ran over are recovering as well as can be expected, the Sound Man will be permanently deaf, the intern has decided to join the Marines saying that it’s a much safer job, and Reba… Well, we’ll let you know when she turns up.